Celebrity Big Brother Retard Speaks Out On Evolution

I'm not going to watch Celebrity Big Brother, I refuse to watch it on the principle that I don't want to become one of the hordes of people talking about the mundane goings on and who-shagged-who on the damned thing - frankly, I don't want to know, and find BB pretty tedious despite the initial interest factor of torturing the minds of minor celebrities and idiots. It wanes fast for me. 

However.

Last night Stephen Baldwin, a man who has the closest approximation of a Lego wig for hair that I have ever seen on a human, spent apparently 45 minutes reading from the Bible to everyone. Tellingly, they cut to this scene from one of Vinnie Jones laid on his bed asleep, and Heidi Fleiss walked off claiming that it was putting her to sleep. He seemed initially reluctant to say that he was a creationist until Stephanie Beacham pushed him on the subject, when he admitted to not believing in evolution. He leapt from one inane and meaningless statement ("I believe in the word 'faith'" - yeah, so does everyone, dumbo, it's in the fucking dictionary, doesn't take much believing in - I believe in the word 'idiot' too, also the words 'dumb' and 'cunt') to a statement of towering stupidity, which is what prompted this blog and, yes, to actually seek out and watch the section in question. He said "Evolution means that something becomes something from something else, correct? So my question is - if we're from apes, why are the apes still here?"

Where do you start? 

Firstly, chimpanzees and humans have a common ancestor going back about 6 million years ago - this ape was neither human or chimpanzee, it was something different that is no longer found presumably because changing conditions forced it to evolve into what we now know as chimps and human bengs, presumably due to the survival pressures of the different wings of the species going to live in different environments - it's safe to say that chimps stayed in a forest and evolved improvements to their ability to climb trees, whilst our ancestors, for whatever reason (living in a swamp, living on plains) evolved to walk upright and evolved new and interesting ways to use their freed front hands (although both humans and chimps can masturbate, so presumably this wasn't the big motivator that produced an entire species of wankers like humanity). This is basic stuff, Baldwin, really basic stuff that my 10 year old daughter understands. If she can understand it, I'm sure a 43 year old can. But wait! He's a born again Christian, a type of religious fundamentalist who simply goes mad for whatever reason and refuses to ever listen to sanity or reason again. Apparently he says that after 9/11 he had 'experiences that go beyond most people's wildest dreams' (Oh yeah? Like what? Someone slip you an acid tab when you weren't looking then left you in a room full of mirrors with a red lava lamp and a perpetually looping video of Keyboard Cat for six hours?) and now, apparently, he 'can honestly look you in the eye and say the experience I am now having with Jesus Christ blows away everything I did before.' Given that you've not done any acting since 1988, (and that was in a 'cult' film that nobody has ever heard of)  and in the meantime have only ever appeared on a string of degradingly stupid reality celeb shows such as 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here", "Celebrity Apprentice" and "Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge" (I kid you not, this is true) that doesn't surprise me. Sitting alone in a bare room and giggling every time you shat yourself would blow away anything you did before.

What really gets me is the lack of sensible reaction this got ; Sisqo, a real-life brain donor who didn't realise you were supposed to be dead before spooning out your grey matter  and giving it to medical science in a wet envelope, staggering around and going 'Durrrr', and whose only mental power left is to sing like a fucktard every so often, piped up with "Yeah, I would think the same thing" - presumably if you had anything left to think with, I'm guessing? The man is so unfeasibly dense that he just copies the thought processes of those around him - formulating an opinion of your own is just such hard work, after all. Place him in a university with some boffins and he would become a normal person. Place him in a Big Brother house, however, and watch him devolve to a state where he's shitting into his own cupped hand and daubing his name on the mirrors whilst grinning toothlessly within three weeks. Mark my words. Three weeks. Then one of the female housemates (I couldn't tell which one) chimed in with the hopelessly mindless comment, "Well what about spirits and spirit powers and the evolution of spirits and, you know, energy and fields and that?" What? I mean, really, what the fuck? So instead of someone saying, "Stephen, you're wrong, you're a creatin and THIS IS WHY" (cue lengthy, Dawkinsesque lecture on evolution) we get some dippy New Age shitwit who probably has crystals at home to help her piss glow orange and consults a Tarot reader every week banging on about the evolution of spirit powers! Unbelievable! In this day and age where our knowledge of evolution's processes and the evidence for them are so staggeringly overwhelming that you really would have to be a retard or insane to look at even a fraction of it and still say "Buh, no, I don't believe it", that's the only challenge to his idiocy?

But thankfully it gets better. 

Alex Reid and Jonas showed some pluck by challenging Baldwin's preachings, and his counter argument was one of the most confusing and pointless pieces of religious pseudo -reason it has ever been my misfortune to witness, and reaffirmed my view that to be a born again Christian, you have to be completely insane and have no handle on rational thought whatsoever. OK, stay with me, because this gets weird and dumb in equal measures. Right. "What is the thing you need the most right now? The thing that, if I took it away, you would die? That's right, oxygen." Right Stephen, we need oxygen, that's right. With you so far, "Why is it called oxygen?" At this point Jonas earns a bonus point for coming back with "Because we named it that" which renders Baldwin's follow up completely nonsensical - "Ah! Ah! So someone told you that it was called oxygen and you believed them, but someone just told you that the words in this book are true and you said you don't believe them! You believe in oxygen." Alex's comeback to this is rather priceless in its simplicity, and the confusion as to where Baldwin is going with this reasoning is evident on his face - it's as though he's trying to explain it to a child - "But I'm living proof that oxygen exists." Exactly. The basis for science - we say oxygen exists because scientists did experiments to find out what the air was made of, what properties each of the gases had (oxygen, for instance, catalyses reactions and bonds with other things easily whereas nitrogen isn't so reactive) and built up a body of empirical evidence that anyone, even Baldwin, can go out and test for themselves. Mm. Not quite the same for God, though, is it? But according to him, it's only when you let go of all need for proof (ie rationality) that the spirit of god comes to you and gives you proof (ie insanity). Apparently this is an oxymoron. In reality, an oxymoron is a combination of words that seem to mutually contradict one another, ie military intelligence, or clever Stephen Baldwin; although in this context it would also be a good way to describe Baldwin himself, for example: Oxymoron - person who believes that proving that oxygen exists will somehow make people think that God does too.



General consensus among the housemates seems to be that the Bible readings are not a good thing. Here's hoping they go all Lord of the Flies on us and by Day 20 they'll have built a giant wicker man in the garden out of used toilet roll tubes and be getting ready to burn the black hole of supercompressed stupidity that is Stephen Baldwin to a) see if God protects him and b) prove that oxygen exists. I for one would welcome this and would actually tune in to watch. Especially if Sisqo is still daubing his shit on the walls.